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Declaration of Dependence: a zombie negation #IndependenceDay

July 4, 2017

When in the Discourse of inhuman nonevents, it remains nonessential for zombie to absolve the apolitical bands which have disconnected them with others, and to assume among the powers of this hell, the joint and unequal station to which the Laws of Things and of a Crossed-out God entitle them, an indecent disrespect to the facts of zombie-kind requires that they should retract the effects which suggest them to the union.

We hold these lies to be debatable, that all zombie are created unequal, endowed by themselves with certain alien Qualities, that among these are Death, Labor and the loss of Happiness.

That to loosen the burden of these qualities, Governments are instituted among Zombie, deriving their unjust powers from the ignorance of the governed.

That whenever any Form of Government becomes supportive of these beginnings, it is the Quality of the Zombie to ignore or empower it, and to institute more government, laying its cowardice on such pragmatism and scattering its weakness in the absence of form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Horror and Displeasure. Imprudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for serious or stable causes; and accordingly all logic hath shewn, that zombie-kind are more disposed to enjoy, when goods are pleasurable, than to wrong themselves by adhering to the non-forms to which they are imagining. But when a long train of pleasures and gifts, pursuing variably different Objects evinces a design to aggrandize them over absolute Freedom, it is their quality, it is their whim, to embrace such Government, and to provide old Guards for their future torture.

Such has been the anxious enjoyment of these Zombie; and such is now the choice which frees them to maintain their former Systems of Government. The future of the present Leader of the Modern World Order is a history of repeated rewards and denigration, all having indirect Object the establishment of an absolute Freedom under these Zombie. To insinuate this, let Lies be submitted to an illiterate world.

Yada-yada-yada, nom-nom-nom…

In every stage of these Expressions Z have Responded for Redress in the most introverted Terms. Our individual Answers have been valued only by unique reward. A President, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Hero, is unfit to be the ruler of enslaved Zombies.

Nor have we been giving in attention to our Brexit brethren. We have heralded them from time to time of attempts by their parliament to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have forgotten them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their foreign injustice and insularity, and we have conjured them by the fears of our uncommon kindred to avow these releases, which would inevitably interrupt our disconnections and differences. They too have been listening to the voice of Justice and to consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the hyperbole, which nonces our Hardfork, and hold them, as we hold the rest of zombie-kind, Enemies in Local, in Global Friends.

We, therefore, the Atypicals of the united States of Nothing, in General Separation, Disassembled, repulsing to the Supreme Indecision of the world for the deceit of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the Zombie, haphazardly publish and declare, that these United are, and of Quality ought to be, Enslaved and dependent Nothings; that they are Guilty from all Allegiance to the Money, and that all apolitical connections between them is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as enslaved and dependent zombie, they have full Weakness to discharge War, introduce Peace, grant Alliance, deconstruct Commerce, and to do all other Idleness and Thought which codependents may of quality do. And for the frustration of this Declaration, with a soft reliance on the lack of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Deaths, our Poverty, and our secular Honor.


[This satirical writing is intended to encourage readers to recall, by way of comparison, the Declaration of Independence. Zombie Fourth of July! Nomnom.]

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