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Melty Zombie Cheesy Sunday TV

January 12, 2014

This post is about the recent Velveeta shortage that has revived zombie cheese metaphors this week. Zombies are cheesy. Recall government cheese zombies. Consider also the cows, imprisoned, tortured, unable to speak, involuntary labor in a dairy industry machine.

Velveeta is “fake” cheese but it’s still made from dairy milk. I’m told that humans are the only species that consumes the milk of another species but I find that implausible. They would if they could. Humans have technology and language artifacts. We have the technology to imprison the other species and get its milk and make cheese. The production of cheese has developed across many generations of humans as part of a cultural idea that transcends any individual human life. At some point in history, the idea of cheese became it’s own entity; the cheese takes on a life of its own.

TimesUnion: “Year of zombie cheese-like product” by C.J. Lais Jr.:

in 2014 the apocalypse may have finally arrived. There’s a nationwide Velveeta shortage!

At the Chicago Tribune, government is to blame: “Velveeta shortage just a small part of government’s War on Cheese” by Rex W. Huppke:

Let’s look at the evidence. Obamacare officially went into effect Jan. 1. Before Jan. 1, nobody was talking about a Velveeta shortage. But after Jan. 1? THAT’S when the Velveeta fountains ran dry. This isn’t speculation, folks, these are just facts.

Oh “evidence” and “facts” – how quaint! But zombies is about the inability to distinguish fake from real, correlations from causations, zombies can’t say shibboleth? See generally Zombie Ideas, and see in Forbes: “Krokodil Crock: How Rumors Of A ‘Flesh-Eating Zombie Drug’ Swept The Nation” by Jacob Sullum, ranting similar to what I’ve said many times about zombie bath salts; the media just runs with these nonsense zombie stories and the zombie lies are hard to stop.

Huppke continues:

Since Barack Obama was first elected in 2008, I’ve been predicting that the government would eventually try to take away our cheese.

Government cheese is sometimes a reference to Andrew Jacksons’s big wheel of cheese, “The Great Cheese“, a 1400-pound block of cheese. See MentalFloss: “Andrew Jackson’s Big Block of Cheese“:

wheel that was four feet in diameter and two feet thick, weighed nearly 1400 pounds, and was wrapped in a giant belt that bore patriotic inscriptions like, “The Union, it must be Preserved.”
jackson great cheese wheel

Jackson’s populist government helped fulfill the manifest destiny down to Florida, and slaughtered many native peoples on the way down. From the musical “Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson”: “Populism, yea yea”.


Cause it’s the early 19th century
We’ll take the land back from the indians
We’ll take the land back from the French and Spanish
And other people in other European countries
And other countries too
And also other places
I’m pretty sure it’s our land anyway

Now back to the Velveeta shortage– Bloomberg: “Americans Are Eating More Velveeta, and Now There’s Not Enough” by Venessa Wong and citing to Yahoo: “Cheesepocalypse nears as Kraft runs low on Velveeta” by Aaron Pressman. See also NBCNews: “Not a stunt: Kraft confirms Velveeta shortage” by Ben Popken who links to recipes for other cheesy dips.

Also try another tip: Sodium Citrate, wikipedia explains it is an emulsifier. Kraft himself patented the use of sodium phosphate for this same purpose. It acts to to melt the cheese without the oil separating. Better living thru chemistry?

Wong notes:

The Super Bowl seems to regularly incite overblown hysteria about insufficient munchies to fuel America’s gluttonous parties.

So again this year we celebrate the American tradition of tossing a pig skin and eating cheesey dip. Yay zombies. Alternatively, gather to watch the Golden Globes – an incestuous old boys club controlled by women. Suggestions for vegan dip, bean blends, potatoes — get a Vegan Zombie cookbook — end the Sunday night violence. Recall Zombies and Sunday night television.

what is it about Sunday night anxiety that channels tv marketing toward false competitions — false supply shortages – running out of food? running out of free time in the weekend, back to work, and orally fixated about it? Pigs skins and cheesy dip; see also Lena Dunham zombies?

Girls tonight? Because we are all hipster zombies? Nobody wants to go to work on Monday morning. That Sunday night back-to-the-sugar-mill anxiety, induces the mass consumption of cheese (and other animal products). The warmed milk of a fake consumer society. Pay no attention to the cow behind the white house fence. Eat your zombie cheese. Watch your zombie cheesey media-television. Zone out into the dip… nom nom…

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