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Frogs Expedite Zombie Poop

July 21, 2013

Willa Paskin writes in Slate about the new Fox cartoon show “Animation Domination High-Def” (ADHD!) of which she exclaims this show is “intended for an audience under the influence”:

a cartoon featuring a bad guy made of zombie poop named Dr. Doodoo

Hitler has sent a genius scientist off to “Zombie Island in space” … where he is eaten by a zombie who poops out the aforementioned Dr. Doodoo, a bad guy with an evil plan to marry the queen of England, make everyone poop themselves to death, and then take over the world with his “doodoo soldiers.”

Meanwhile in The Palm Beach Post: “Tne [sic] things I learned about zombies in New Orleans” by Helen Anders:

a rainy, foggy afternoon in a French Quarter coffee shop with Jerry Gandolfo, a relentless researcher of New Orleans lore who owns the Voodoo Museum at 724 Dumaine St. … So I asked him about zombies, and we talked about them for hours. Now that we’ve seen what Brad Pitt can do with zombies, consider 10 key things I learned about them from Gandolfo.

zombie jerry gandolfo voodoo museum

Anders list includes some Haitian zombie ‘facts’:

[1] …Congo, where Nbzambi is the great spirit…
[2] …Voodoo… petit angel…
[3] …Ghede, the spirit that deals with zombies, “is an alcoholic. He can be had for a fifth of rum.”… you can bribe Ghede to steal the spirit from a not-fully-decayed corpse and thus reanimate the corpse. Alternatively, it can be kept in a jar for future use. … Related to Ghede, Gandolfo says, is an unrecognized Catholic Saint, St. Expedite, who expedites …

[4] …becoming a zombie is a fate far worse than death, because zombies are considered eternal slaves, raised from the dead to work … in the 1800s, a law was passed in Haiti making it illegal to create a zombie. …
[5] …zombie’s feet never touch the ground. He or she is not earthbound. …
[6] …chemical zombies … blowfish-based nerve agent …
[7] …Louisiana zombie called rougarou … comes out of a swamp and is sort of a half-gator and half-man with red eyes … used to scare Louisiana kids into behaving …

[8] …Jelly Roll Morton was a zombie … a jazz zombie… his godmother, a voodoo queen. … Four days after the godmother died, Morton died — of no apparent cause. Souls in jars, Gandolfo said, have to be fed …

[9] …If a zombie ever bothers you, Gandolfo advised, “Invite him to lunch and feed him salt. When he eats salt, he will know he’s dead and go back to the grave.” If he refuses the lunch invitation, just throw salt on the zombie. Also, Gandolfo said, “Zombies are deathly afraid of frogs.” Travel in the company of an amphibian.

[10] …a lot of disagreement … Mardi Gras Indians

Meanwhile, in Forbes: “Zombies At Work! How To Protect Yourself” by Erika Andersen:

Zombies, sadly, don’t suddenly turn out OK.

Andersen echoes Jake Breeden from Psychology Today: “If You Work on a Zombie Team, Kill the Zombies“, Breeden wrote:

zombie jake breeden

Learn to spot — and kill — the zombie teams at your work. … Once you kill a zombie, you’ll find more energy, productivity and resources for getting work done

And Anderson also encourages killing these “(metaphorical)” zombies but concludes:

… zombies are a fairly rare breed. Most people are just people, and you can build good, fun, trusting relationships with them.

So maybe try inviting them to a salty lunch? Get some frogs?!!! Cure the zombies and expedite this poop! Jazz Hands!

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